As I was at Starbucks today, ordering my Grande Iced Passion Tea and Lemon Poppysead Loaf, I noticed people glancing in my direction, and then quickly glancing away as soon as I made eye contact. The way they were looking at me was the same way you'd expect people to look at Heath Ledger if he came back from the dead, walked into the place lookin' like the Joker, sat down beside you, and started sipping on your all half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot (two shots decaf, two shots regular) latte with whip. Then I remembered my late night run last night. If efforts to clear my head, I thought I'd go for a stroll before bed. Suddenly, a tiny bug decided to take out it's tiny bug anger on me and sting me. In the eye. Which I had an allergic reaction to. And now the left side of my face is swollen to twice it's size, and my eye is swollen shut. Talk about adding salt to the wound of this last weeks chaos. But whatever, I needed my Iced Passion Tea Lemonade.
For me to blog, I need to feel some sort of emotion or inspiration.
This blog post comes to you thanks to, let's just call him Sir Charles Winston, the dude I was dating for the last couple of months. Ex motocross racer. 25 years old. Virgo. Lake livin'. 6 feet tall. (So he claims. I'd say closer to 5'10. Liar. Moving along.) Shaggy brown hair. "Hazel" eyes. Douchebag. Cheater. Cokehead. (Those last three were just brought to my attention the past week or so.)
In the quickest way possible I will give you my background of dating.
Hi, I'm Devan. I haven't had a boyfriend in almost three years. Although I missed the company of having a significant other, I hadn't ran into someone that I felt connected enough with to want to date. I had a career I was very focused on which took up most of my free time and energy. This last year, I've opened myself up to meeting new people and the dating world again, instead of always turning down anyone who showed any interest in me. I joined some online dating sites, put myself in situations to meet friends of friends and I decided that it couldn't hurt to go on some dates. Now, these dates I went on are for a completely different blog, they were a mixture of absolutely horrendously hilarious disasters, each and every one of them.
When I met "Winston", I wasn't completely sold on him, but I felt enough of a connection to see if it could grow into something more. After hanging out a few different times, I started to realize that I had finally found someone I was so excited about. I missed him when he wasn't around, and when he laughed I could hear feel my heart do something weird.. it would almost flutter, or some weird shit like that.. and I found myself asking how his day was.. and genuinely wanting to hear the answer. All feelings that I hadn't felt in many, many years. He'd call me, actually call me, in a world where we forget how to speak to other people in ways other then text messaging, he remembered everything I said, dates, my favorite songs, food and movies I like, and don't like, things other guys had brushed aside so swiftly in the past as an insignificant part of me. He'd lay in bed all day with me, bringing me gravol and Gatorade when I had spent the night puking from food poisoning, and send me sweet messages, which made me believe he felt as lucky to have me in his life as I did him. (I'm including these messages so you can see how real everything was, not exaggerated or made up for the amusement of those reading.)
I've been broken up with, cheated on, and treated like absolute shit by guys, I think a lot of girls and guys can relate to that - but I went into this with full trust and hope that this would end up differently then past relationships. I didn't add him on any social media. I didn't want to know what girls were liking his photos, I didn't want to see pictures of his ex's and question whether I could live up to their standards. I wanted him to see all my sides, not just my left side, which is my better side, in my Facebook pictures. I didn't want him to think I was just a witty status update.
Everything was going really great. Not only had I found someone who I loved being around, I had found someone who had become one of my best friends, who knew everything about me and seemed to accept it all - my goofy laugh that sounds like a jackal, the fact that I can't fall asleep without earplugs and an eyemask, and that I cry at sappy movies and close my eyes during scary ones. I felt like I could 100% be myself, all quirks and faults and annoying habits - what a refreshing feeling to be able to just be you.
Now enough babbling. Let's get to the good stuff and fast forward to last weekend. He had told me he had to go to go out of town to work, but he didn't know whether he should take the job because he didn't want to lose me or not be able to see me while he was there for next month. I was supportive and said he should go because it was a good opportunity, and that I would come visit every weekend. He said that made his choice much easier, and off her went. I took the weekend off work, and the night before I was supposed to visit, received this text.
I asked if maybe I should come the following weekend instead, to which he replied.
The last thing he ever said to me was the following.
The next morning no text came, so I called him. No answer. Figured he was hella sick and didn't want to be a pest. Messaged him before I went to bed. No message back. Still figured he was sick. Next day, tried calling. No answer. Tried again before I went to bed.. still no answer. At the point, I'm not thinking he's a douche without a soul, but I'm so worried and concerned that he is in the hospital from puking so much, that I call the hospital. He's not checked in. Nothings really adding up in my mind, I mean, if he wanted to end it, why let me take the weekend off work? Why say everything I want to hear, if he didn't mean it? Why let me worry that he's possibly dead for 5 days instead of just saying, you know what, this isn't going to work out? At this point I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, so I decide to message a few people that know him, something I should of done in the beginning, I suppose. Within minutes I had an inbox full of messages from people, all disconnected from one another, all with similar comments and stories about him, about girls he had done the same thing to. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about it all. It was a mixture of sadness, disappointment, embarrassment that I had been so fooled, as well as closure. It turns out that he hadn't gone out of town for work, he had gone out of town to motocross with his buddies, and that when he had gone out with his friends for the night and not messaged me, he had actually been with other girls. It was interesting, because although I missed him terribly, I realized that the person he had portrayed himself to me as, didn't actually exist, and how can you miss someone that doesn't really exist? Such an unsettling feeling.
After this past week I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream, I'M A GOOD PERSON, WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME. But I don't. Mostly because I don't want to be whisked away in a straight jacket.
Something we're not ever taught while going to school and growing up, is that being a good person doesn't mean you get a free pass in life to skip heartache. I don't lie. I don't cheat. I work hard. I pick my friends up when they're too drunk to drive. I take them coffee in the morning when they're too hungover to live. I will sacrifice sleep and free time to listen to your problems, and let you bitch and cry until you get it all out of your system. I give everything I do 150%, or I don't do it at all. I volunteer. I'll happily buy a homeless man a sandwich and coffee. I chase after someone when they drop something from their purse. I let people in my lane on the busy highway. I don't kill ants because I believe that they have tiny ant families that would miss them if I smushed them with my heel. But in life, good people don't always get what they deserve, sometimes in life you just get what you get, and then its up to you to choose whether it makes you or breaks you. The Devan 7 years ago would of been shattered over this. It would of ruined my whole summer. I would of replayed the entire thing in my head for months, trying to figure out what I could of done different. The truth is, I did nothing wrong. Over the years, and not without a lot of struggle, I've learnt to absolutely love who I am. I'm filled with flaws, and stories, and love. So, I cried, for about 5 days straight, because you need to cry when your heart feels broken. I thanked my girlfriends and mom for putting up with my emotional few days. I worked out. I ate an ice cream sandwich. And then another. And then another. Okay I ate 11 in 5 days but that's okay. I picked up work shifts. I went and saw a sad and amazing movie. I bought a flowy summer skirt that makes me feel beautiful. And then I wrote this blog, and as I write it, I know that I'll be just fine, and that someday I'll write a hilariously disastrous book, filled with all the hits and misses of my life and lessons I've learnt along the way.
I take comfort in knowing that although I may not get any special privileges in life for being a good person, I sleep soundly when I finally fall asleep at night, after watching 5 hours of Dexter, and know that I have hope, faith, love, and support, and that Winston, and people like him, fall asleep empty and alone, incapable of loving just one person, and unable to have fun or enjoy life without an added substance in their veins.
Although good people may never necessarily get all the things things that they deserve in this world for being true and genuine, shitty people truly do always get what they deserve in the end.
I didn't write this blog to be a vindictive bitch. I blocked out his face because you don't need to see who he is - the point isn't for you to see him walking through a mall and recognize him - we all know a Winston, or knew a Winston, or maybe you are a Winston - I wrote this in response to the people who privately and publicly messaged me on Facebook about going through, or had gone through a similar situation and how alone they felt. You guys helped me realize that I'm not alone, so if someone is reading this that can relate, it's just a simple reminder that you're not either.
I talk a lot about Karma, and although I like to believe it exists, I've never seen it in action, so I question it at times. It's very much like the Tooth Fairy for me. The other day, I was sent these screencaps - although I would never wish bad upon someone, or hope they end up in the hospital, I know he'll be fine - it's just interesting that the irony of all the lies he told me finally caught up to him. Cast for at least three months, won't be able to work or play this summer, and that bad boy if an ankle will ache for the rest of his life. And when it does, I hope he thinks of me. And there you have it folks, Karma.
Until next time, xoxo